This October 12th, director Shelwyn Spielberg and an all-star ensemble cast bring you Columbus Day Eve, a romantic comedy for the new world!
Columbus Day Eve celebrates joy, happiness, explorers, and sexy, emaciated celebrities on the most colonial eve of the year, celebrating Columbus’ arrival in the New World when he landed kinda somewhat near New York City, where everyone lives in slick apartments decorated with a lot of pointy glass sculptures no matter what job they hold.
Katherine Heigl stars as Britni Shrooew a busy, busy, busy celebrity stylist in seven-inch heels. She’s reluctant to take on a new client, out of control rock star Spike Von Sellout, played by Ashton Kucher. Her zany job? Make him presentable for the biggest concert of his life — the annual Columbus Day extravaganza at Madison Square Garden. Can this drug-addled, disease-ridden man-child turn around the sad life of this emasculating career woman using pranks and dick jokes? Fingers crossed that she’ll be married and baking a cupcake by the time the end credits roll to the newest hit song by Sheryl Crow, “I Love a Paycheck.”
Columbus Day Eve also stars Halle Berry as an angry Black woman who cracks wise with old-world wisdom. Don’t worry — she doesn’t date a White guy. She doesn’t date anyone, but she’s very strong and offers great advice to Britneye. Her character’s name is Flo. No last name.
Kate Hudson co-stars as Mitzy Seepsalot, a woman who will turn thirty on Columbus Day. It is a disaster of epic proportions! She and her handsome husband (Bradley Cooper) must get pregnant by the time she turns thirty, or she’ll weep and throw things in her important work meeting coordinating the Columbus Day concert.
Portraying Kate’s gay brother Roger Peter Seepsalot is Neil Patrick Harris, who’s looking for love in all the wrong places. He’s a slut, like all them gays. At least their disgusting behavior is good for a laugh — you know it, girl! Roger Peter is up for the gig of his life, opening for Spike Von Sellout at the big concert that is very important even though no one has ever heard of it. Does he have enough sequins and one-liners to make it happen?!
Sarah Jessica Parker is Chyna Buddah, a new age healer who wears lots of scarves. She’s hired by Mitzy to rid Madison Square Garden of its Fung Shui or something. At odds with her is Dirk Swanson, the technical engineer of the building, played by Jon Bon Jovi, who looks kinda blue collar in a non-threating way. Fake machine-y jargon is rawr sexy when it comes out of a mouth like that! Can he get the big Columbus Day concert going while Chyna runs around hilariously waving sage in his face? And why does she end up on stage during Roger Peter’s big fireworks finale? Who knew she could do splits!
All actresses named Jessica also star in the film.
Come on out this Columbus Day to learn how White people have made everything better in this great land called America! You’ll never look at the Mayflower the same way again.
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